2016 Funnies

By popular demand, and because I just figured out how to post something on WordPress without publicizing it, here are the quotes I’ve been keeping to myself for months.

-How many people have you jacked off with your feet?
-Three
-I’m kind of offended. No one’s even asked me!

-Have you ever given a foot job?
-What’s a foot job?
-When you jack someone off with your feet.
-You did that? What was wrong with your hands?

-I love going down on a guy after he’s fucked me. Whatever, I like pussy.
-And just like everything else, your own is your favorite.

“So that guy that you fuck on your first date…. You think he thinks you’re a lady cause you spit out his cum? You’re not fooling anyone.”

-I’ve definitely counted more black people here than I have in Stockholm.
-Well you’re the darkest person in Stockholm.
-People probably see you and they’re like “one.”

-They’re checking passports on the bridge because of the refugee problem.
-Which you are…

-So was he allergic to shellfish?
-I don’t know. He was full of shit! He probably wasn’t allergic to anything

-Lauren was saying she missed the descriptives
-Ugh, no. I prefer it as a play. It takes so long for her to say anything! Just use your imagination…
-“Don’t read. Just make up your own story.”

-Have I told you guys the story of how she had to drive us back from the beach when we were 17? No license. She was the worst driver ever.
-(everyone) Still is.

“You should get them a $25 gift card to buying a fucking clue.”

-He knows if he ever cheated on me, I would leave him.
-After you burn all his shoes?
-Fact.

“I check him so he doesn’t forget I’m fucking crazy.”

-I’m surprised you’re not supervising this.
-If you need supervision to salt and pepper, you’re gonna have a lot of problems in life.

-Should I put the fruit in here? The other thing…
-Maybe you should go get the PhD.

-Do you have chocolate or gum?
-No, but we have misery. Do you like that?

“Oh yeah, I’d create a shell corporation to buy this shit.”

“How bad is it that I almost just ordered food I was less into just because I don’t want to have a conversation with a human to get delivery from a place that doesn’t use an app?”

“Alright guys, just one more cocktail and then we have to go to Sweden.”

-You guys probably know about craft beers cause they’re big in the US
-We’re also alcoholics
-Yeah, we brought beer to a beer tasting

-Is that a new saying? Like lit?
-Ana, lit is so May 2016
-Sorry I live in 1992 now

-I always associate it with Tania. I feel like she explained it one time
-I 100% remember explaining it to you
-Well you know I have the memory of a zygote. So you probably did at some point
-Bro for all I know, I explained it first and you forgot, of course
-For something you think is so May 2016, you’re awfully salty about me not remembering you taught me

-Can I come pick up the gnome?
-I’m sure they’ll deport him with me
-How great of a story would that be? “That time my human was detained.”

“Putin is gonna kill my cleaning lady. So I’m not happy about that.”

-She was a pimp for a while.
-She wasn’t a pimp, she referred a client… Did she get a cut?
-Yeah!
-Oh, then she was a pimp.

“I’m just a girl from village! I don’t know any better.”

-I’m talentless but I’m crazy
-That should be the title of your next book

-Today I had a Russian student tell me she liked cooking her family in her free time
-Does she want a job in the United States at a small home by Dolphin Mall?

-We’re the savages you don’t want to rent to clearly
-Yea that’s why I will never Airbnb my place. I don’t want you nasty people fucking in my house.

-You have the memory of someone who smokes weed 10x a day.
-Or is 80 years old
-No my grandma has a way better memory than Ana. And she just turned 87. Ana is like a corpse in memory years.

“I look like Daniella’s servant. She’s walking around looking fly as fuck in her fur and I’m behind her like a fucking slob.”

“I would much rather be in a good mood and look like trash than look hot and be freezing.”

“I’m taking like $160 worth of Czech crowns, which I’m sure they’ll just shred and give me a pastry for my trouble.”

-If I ever had to set up a dating profile: “Favorites include quitting jobs, being outraged, long walks on the beach.”
-I’m writing a nasty email about the cash room
-Add that to my list of things I love: “Writing intense emails when other people fuck up.”

“So? I’m on vacation. I was out drinking and now I’m hungry. I’m Ana.”

“Ever since you moved to Prague, all you talk about is food. You don’t even have a personality anymore.”

-You guys, he finally opened up about “fantasies” and I’m so excited to make these come true
-He finally opened up about fantasies?! You’ve been together for 8 years!

-Did you see all our beautiful pictures from every vacation ever? What is there to be scared of?
-We’ve gone so many times, why would you keep thinking we were in danger?
-In Irella’s mind it’s like “On the next one they’ll die.”

-Thank you for making me do this
-We’ve been telling you to take a vacation for years. We weren’t like tricking you. “This bitch is gonna have a horrible time. I can’t wait!”
-Well we already established that she thought we were just pushing her to inevitable vacation death
-Or like we’ve only been pretending to enjoy our vacations for years. The long con.

-Omg make her an Instagram account. Like one of those fun pet accounts.
-I’ll never be one of those people with a pet account. I don’t capture enough of her antics to justify having an account.
-I disagree. This chat is basically your cat’s Instagram account

-Can’t we try? Can’t we try and change the minds of women who agree we shouldn’t vote?
-No we should just gas them so they can’t procreate.

-I wanna start quoting again. You guys have been hilarious lately
-I miss quoting. It was definitely one of my favorite things. For years, I would go back and read them with nostalgia
-But she’s abandoned it and forsaken us.
-I can’t blog and write books and quote things. It’s too much
-God quoting was so good. It’s better than the other things. Can’t you figure out how to monetize quoting?

-This is a little TMI but my poo is a very shocking green color than I’m 100% positive is due to that cake
-I am so glad you said this because I freaked the fuck out today

-All these people have is lamp stores!
-Well they live in total darkness for most of the year, so I guess lighting is important to them

-That black and white costume is super rad
-Thanks. It’s from a couple of years ago, when evidently, I was also going as fat

-I actually didn’t think it was that moving.
-Ana’s also a cold-hearted lesbian
-She wishes

-There’s a couple of shows I’d be down for tonight. Fitz and the Tantrums
-Damn bro. Do those people have a residency at the Fillmore or what? They’re like the Trick Daddy of indie pop. They’ll perform at Publix and shit
-I haven’t seen them since Coastline or Life is Beautiful. Whichever happened last
-I feel like this is the usual Ana exaggeration
-I saw them at some version of Sunfest
-Before that they hadn’t been down here since Coastline which was 2013
-It’s like once a month
-Like I said. Usual Ana exaggeration
-They’re at every festival that’s ever existed. They’re like the Red Hot Chili Peppers of the third row.

“Your version of romance, Nazi uniforms during sex. Soon we’ll probably have our own version of that.”

-This might be TMI
-We’re a little beyond that at this point, but thank you for saying that.

“I still want a tattoo of an elephant or a Thai tea or something.”

-Tell me a sleepy time story.
-One day I took a shit that wasn’t diarrhea. The end.

“It’s 4:30 in the morning. I don’t want to negotiate.”

“When we go in these temples, I don’t wanna be embarrassed. The monks have Nikes and your socks have holes.”

-This has no taste.
-That’s what health tastes like

-Just kiss her
-I can’t. I don’t know how.
-Put your lips on hers. And if you’re feeling wild, stick your tongue inside her mouth.

-She’s putting in max effort here.
-I need to start thinking about what I bring to the table.
-I’ve always wondered that. Aside from your great personality, are you doing anything else? Or is that it?
-No that’s basically it

-The power went out
-It’ll probably come back soon
-I hope it never comes back and everything is burned

-I got super heated at Publix when Lindsey and I were shopping
-About ham?
-Yes. I need this ham chapter of my life to close.

-I’m running out of money, for real.
-You have a laptop over there right?
-Yeah
-Just fucking masturbate on the internet

-I should learn to cook. I think that’s gonna be what I bring to the table.
-That’s never gonna be what you bring to the table. And if you tell people it’s what you bring to the table, they’re going to be scared of what you don’t bring. Pick literally anything else… soap carving would be better.

“He got fat and I had to tell him: I feel less attracted to you.”

-Maybe it’s a cultural thing.
-Yeah, they’re standoffish. And I can’t stand it! I need someone to be obsessed with me.
-Get a dog.

“I have an extraordinary sense of smell!”

-I don’t wanna get PCP high
-I do

-So… are you gonna tell me who’s the one you’re interested in?
-Oh Benny! I was talking about drugs

-I look like I’m on an Olympic team with this outfit
-This is the closest you’ll ever come to getting an Olympic medal in curling

“I went all the way to Crate and Barrel and threw my phone on the ground for these champagne flutes.”

“Imagine how many dates you have to wait to get eaten out.”

-It’s like he doesn’t even like her. But he doesn’t leave her alone!
-Yeah her type is someone who treats her like shit but very frequently.

“I feel like you’ve gotten slower since you moved to Prague. Is it a language barrier?”

“it’s amazing, you don’t speak any language. You’re non-lingual.”

“I don’t know how to spell it. I’m just gonna put Jew wine.”

-Tim’s about to get home
-This is quite a scene for him

-Look each other in the eye when you toast or you’ll have bad sex for 7 years
-Look me in the goddamn eye

-The Federal closed?
-Yes, thank God. Nobody kicks me out of bottomless mimosas and lives to see another day

“Let’s kick 2017 in the dick!”

“To staying positive and testing negative.”

“To those who have seen us at our worst and seen us at our best and can’t tell the difference.”