You can’t vacation in Miami without going out and getting a little crazy. So when I got the itch to get a little crazy, I knew Miami would deliver. And deliver, it did. As it turns out, Tuesday night is an especially good night to get your drink on.
Preparing for debauchery
To enjoy a night out in Miami, you want to be mobile and you want to be safe. So leave your car at home. Because if you decide you want to escape the Grove and go to Brickell, having a car becomes a burden. Your best case scenario is that you’ll get stuck in traffic and have to pay twice for exorbitant parking. But the worst case is an accident, a DUI, or leaving your car abandoned in a bad neighborhood and having it towed, broken into, or stolen. That’s what Uber and Lyft are for.
If you’re really committed to your night out, it’s probably best to call out of work in advance. Though you can probably also easily pull off a last minute stomach flu call in the morning when you’re puking your guts out.
Where not to go
My night started in Coconut Grove, which I only went to because there is good food in the area. But the bars in the Grove are pretty embarrassing. This is an area that people only enjoy when they’re freshmen at UM. So the bars have that gross college feel, except that they’re full of middle-aged adults.
Maybe the closest thing to a decent bar in the Grove is Taurus, which is primarily a whiskey bar, though they have a full bar. It gets high marks for being one of the only bars in the area that doesn’t smell like the walls are soaked in stale beer. And my night may have ended in that classy den if it weren’t filled with obvious regulars who were yelling at WWE wrestling on TV. Miami is always keeping it classy.
If you make the mistake of wandering into Sandbar or Barracuda, the desire to go home and put your head in the oven will be fierce. But if you stick it out, you can move on to greener pastures.
On to Brickell
Tuesday night is one of the best nights to go out in Miami and Blackbird Ordinary is the reason why. Ladies drink free until 1:30 am, and there is no cover, making Blackbird the cheapest way to get drunk quickly. Because most people in Miami can’t actually afford Miami, free booze brings people out in droves. If you don’t get there at 10 pm when ladies’ night starts, you’ll find yourself unable to move, much less get to the bar to get a free drink.
The good thing is that after you get crowded out of the bar, there are a lot of other options within walking distance or just a short drive away. But what the Grove is to college bros, Brickell is to yuppie bros. You’re not going to find anything interesting at Blue Martini except guys having a pissing contest over who has the biggest condo, and people who just left the gym.
Things will be great when you’re downtown
Luckily, drinking for free for three hours is going to make you think that moving the party downtown is the best idea ever. Unlike most major cities in developed countries, Miami’s downtown is not a bustling oasis; it’s a terrifying dump. But it’s still a great place to go out. I would definitely take my chances with a gang of homeless people downtown over having a second beer at Barracuda any night of the week.
The Corner has live jazz every Tuesday, which is yet another great reason to skip the weekend crowds and go out on Tuesday instead. It’s full of hipsters and shady characters who are taking a night off from Wood Tavern, but it’s not uncomfortably crowded. The drinks are cheap, the atmosphere is cozy, and the music is amazing. So you can conceivably stick around here for the rest of the night. But you won’t.
Because fuck it… strippers.
The Corner is right across from E11even, which is a 24-hour nightclub slash strip club. Why a city would need such an establishment pretty much says everything you need to know about Miami. It has all the pompousness of a regular Miami club, including a red carpet, except it comes with a side of lap dances. I hate strip clubs, but between the loud music and distracting lights, you can almost forget there are half-naked women everywhere.
Though this is definitely the kind of place with a dress code, apparently they’re not very strict in the middle of the night on a Tuesday. We wandered in there in t-shirts, and there was no cover for women. But it was $20 for men to get in. Isn’t it amazing that this is the only time when women have any advantage over men, and it’s because men are just hoping we get drunk enough to fuck them? (I’m working on my Women’s March speech.)
That free cover still doesn’t take the sting out of $15 well drinks, but that’s Miami for you. If you only go out a couple of times a year, just let it happen. Guaranteed your night will leave you with a few good stories and a bank account that you’re scared to look at.
Get the GPS-guided version of this article on GPSmyCity here.