The One With the Fake Gay Guys from Estonia

Many parts of Greece are stunning and romantic. Other parts… are a bit of a shitshow. When we were in Mykonos, we got to see that first hand.

Mykonos has a vibrant and lively nightlife and you can find good drinks and a decent DJ just about anywhere in the city. On our first night, we decided to take a cab out to Paradise Beach, where we intended to go to Paradise Club. Like almost any other overhyped megaclub in the world, it had an extremely steep cover even though it was clearly mostly empty. But we had already taken a cab all the way out there so we ended up at Guapaloca, along with almost everyone that originally intended to go to Paradise Club.

It turns out Guapaloca wasn’t half bad and not nearly as pretentious. The music was great, the place was right on the beach, and there was an artist using glow-in-the-dark face paint to turn us into the party monsters we hoped to become in Mykonos. I went with two girlfriends and like almost all girls who go out to a club together – two of whom were taken at the time – we had absolutely no interest in being hit on. We were there to drink and dance with each other.

But like almost all girls who go out to a club together, we immediately had company. Our company was a group of about 8 or 10 Estonian guys. They were on a business trip and looking to let loose, which is a likely story. What wasn’t a likely story is that the two friendliest ones kept telling us the majority of them were gay. We obviously didn’t buy that, despite the fact that it would be an extremely odd thing to lie about. And yet, they kept insisting. The two ringleaders told us about their wedding, which according to them had taken place on the beach in our hometown. The story became more unbelievable as it went on. It didn’t help that as they continued to weave this tale of a beautiful homosexual love, they began sandwiching me in a more than friendly way on the dance floor. As the single girl on this trip, I would have probably allowed this even without their weird lies. But far be it from me to stop two horny Estonians from attempting to prove their fake homosexuality.

They were so committed to their lie that they even kissed in front of us. I’ve never been to Estonia and I’m not sure what the dating scene is like there, but it definitely seemed like these guys had taken advice from the most misguided pick-up artist in all of Europe. Close to the end of the night, one of the guys – now shirtless and sporting large glow-in-the-dark fairy wings on his back – saw us in the bathroom.

“I have a secret,” he said, whispering, “None of us are really gay. They’re just saying that.”

Shocker.

We laughed, we left, and we will forever cherish our hilarious memory of clubbing in the Greek islands. I hope those two straight guys – wherever they are now – cherish the memory of the time they made out with each other in Mykonos just as much.