The Thoughts You Have Driving Around Miami

It’s been about three months since I last drove a car, and since I was surrounded by Miami drivers. Getting behind the wheel again has been an interesting experience. I imagine it’s what people who visit Miami feel when they rent a car here. Here are the thoughts I’ve had while re-experiencing the Miami roads since getting back.

  1. Ah, finally. Two long flights down and I’m home. I can’t wait to go to sleep. Wait, why are we stopping? What is this? Why is there traffic right now? It’s 9 pm on a Thursday.
  2. Oh, the ramp on the 836 is blocked off for construction? Of course. Some things never change.
  3. Ah well. What’s an extra 15 minutes and $3 detour charge on my Uber fare? This is the Miami I know and love to hate. It’s kind of endearing.
  4. Ah, I’ve missed my car. I don’t know if I still remember how to drive…
  5. Was the gas pedal always so sensitive?
  6. Nope, definitely don’t remember how to drive.
  7. Woo hoo! Look at how fast I’m going.
  8. The car radio! How I’ve missed singing in the car!
  9. Whoa…. hey there. That’s my lane you’re driving into.
  10. ♪ Come on come on. Turn the radio on. ♪
  11. Oop. Yellow light. Eh, I’m not in a hurry. I’ll stop.
  12. Did this guy just honk at me before the light even turned green?
  13. God, this city is beautiful. Look at these buildings, the water. Palm trees!
  14. Yo, acere! Use your turn signal!
  15. It’s amazing. People will drive for a mile with their hazards on but they can’t turn on the damn turn signal for 3 seconds.
  16. ♪ Baby I don’t need dollar bills to have fun tonight! ♪
  17. Wow.. that mattress is dangerously close to becoming airborne.
  18. So I guess chrome cars have become a thing here…
  19. ♪ I don’t need no money as long as I keep dancing.. ♪
  20. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Your truck is halfway into the street right now! Learn to park. Stupid fuck. *Leaning on horn*
  21. Ugh, I hope this guy doesn’t follow me with a bat or something.
  22. ♪ Is it too late now to say sorry? Yeah I know-oh-oh that I let you down.. ♪
  23. Only in Florida do drivers need electronic billboards to remind them not to leave their children in a car.
  24. Can you get off my ass, dude? Your front bumper is already dented so this obviously hasn’t worked out for you before.
  25. I’m gonna brake just to spite you, you fucker.
  26. Ugh, just pass me.
  27. I hope you enjoy flying through your front windshield, asshole.
  28. Ah, a truck bed full of people on the highway. Feels like home.
  29. ♪ I woke up like this. We flawless, ladies tell ’em. ♪
  30. I woke up looking like trash.. but sing it, Bey!
  31. Goddamn, another yellow? Fuck this. I’m speeding up.
  32. Welp, that was a red.
  33. Shit, was there a camera at that light?
  34. Whatever, if I’m getting a ticket, so are the 3 other people who took that red… including the cop.
  35. Lady, are you seriously walking across 6 lanes with a green light right now. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
  36. I hate this fucking city.
  37. ♪ Cause there’s trouble on the way. Oh there’s trouble on the way.. get a dog and pony for a judgment day. ♪
  38. Great, it’s raining. I’m gonna be stuck out here for hours.
  39. How is US1 already flooded?
  40. Buddy, we’re all trying to avoid the puddles! Stop being a dick.
  41. No, guy. You’re not getting in front of me. Go, hit me! Dale. I would love for your insurance company to finance another three months abroad.
  42. God, driving turns me into a terrible person.
  43. ♪ This time, baby, I’ll be bullet proof! ♪
  44. Ugh, parking lot full? Great.
  45. Hey! Use a damn crosswalk. The pedestrians here are worse than the drivers.
  46. More construction?! Just nuke this city already.
  47. $15 for parking? But… why? Well, fuck. I might as well stay here overnight for that.
  48. You’re dying to hit someone coming around these curves at 40 miles per hour, aren’t you? It’s a two-lane ramp, you dumb fuck.
  49. Fuck all of this. They can impound my car. I’m taking an Uber home.