“Ham is not even my thing and I’m Jessie from Saved by the Bell level excited.”
“To be honest, I think cocaine holidays are a great idea. It’s like a perfect amount of drugs to do for the year.”
“This is why I don’t have kids and can’t be at a park at 9 am. I’m heading to my family’s house with 80s hair and praying there’s cocaine.”
-I need suggestions for my Secret Santa. What should I be buying from Miami/America?
-This is so cool, your international Secret Santa.
-Then help me think of things!
-A Four Loko and cocaine
-I’m not even horny
-I’m like the complete opposite of that
-To be honest I don’t understand how I’m supposed to live like this. Will I have to make 3-4 stops for every single holiday for the rest of my life?
-Let me tell you if I ever spit out a baby I’m going NOWHERE. I’m not gonna pack up all that shit and drive around all day on Christmas. No sir. You come to me like The Godfather or nothing.
“Tbh not having multiple stops on all holidays is my best reason for having a kid right now.”
-We’ll just wait for them to move
-We’re going to be here a while because they’re Russian. We’re going to have to move them with our elbows
-Where are we gonna have New Years brunch?
-No clue. We could do George’s again but please nobody let me get on a boat.
-I wouldn’t even know how to operate a fireplace
-I’ll probably watch a YouTube video so that you don’t kill us
“You know, our first kiss was inside of a strip club.”
“I don’t know what’s more surprising, that they elected a Democrat to the senate or that 48% of people still voted for a pedophile.”
-You better recognize, girl
-Recognize what? That some of your habits are super questionable?
-We had cigars and you know when you’re drunk, you don’t smoke it right.
-So you woke up with emphysema?
“There’s nothing worse than when you’re drunk and someone offers you a bad choice to make.”
“There’s a holocaust selection of kids shoes in front of that bounce house.”
-She’s not that bad. She’s really nice and she has an infectious laugh.
-I don’t know if that’s the word I would use. Maybe infect.
“To be honest, I thought Paris was overrated. But it’s a privilege just to say that.”
“The trainer yesterday was saying she tried to go to Aventura Mall and it took her about 40 minutes just to find parking. I’d rather go home and tell my family and friends I don’t love them than drive around looking for parking for 40 minutes.”
-This would be an easy way to make buffalo mac and cheese. As opposed to shredding 3 kinds of cheese, a whole chicken
-Dropping it on the floor…
“I feel like I’m in a Marvel movie. My universes are colliding.”
“Are you having a killer time? Wow… you definitely are.”
-She’s lost a considerable amount of weight
-… are struggling
“He said he wanted to stay 22 forever. I was like nigga you are a piece of shit at 22.”
“His mom would never ask me that. She would be the one chasing off the creeps asking me about babies. Versus the new batch of refs in his dad’s life who are all about impregnating bitches and living in a house with 12 other family members…. also impregnating bitches.”
“He was kinda pissed that I said I wasn’t going but then I reminded him that she didn’t make it to baby’s birthday cause she was ‘Christmas shopping.’ So I told him I would be Christmas wrapping.”
-After the war, he went to Chile…
-Oh yea, that’s where all the Nazis went
-And she just went to visit him in Peru, where he lives now
-That’s its own punishment
“I pissed a woman off on the way here so I had to tailgate her for a long time.”
-God what must have I done in this life to deserve your father
-Stayed with him
-The only reason I didn’t study business like everyone else is because I knew I loved psychology
-You got a degree in psychology. But your real passion is living life
-Do I look like an asshole?
-You look like a lesbian asshole
-I’ve never been a jealous person
-That’s because Marcos was always fucking 3D printers and not other bitches
“If there’s one thing that’s consistent, it’s plans on Saturday night for Jewish people.”
-I used to put the cream together
-That’s what Double Stuffed Oreos are for
-I did use Double Stuff
-Ew. Quadruple stuffed
-That sounds like a bad porn. Bon appetit friends
“I’d rather dump someone than pick them up at the Fort Lauderdale airport on New Years Day.”
-“Don’t you miss me? Can’t you take a hint?”
-It sounds like he’s answering a lot of his own questions.
-He’s really basic. The only thing he has going for him that’s different is his religion
-That’s not even a positive thing. That’s like telling me the only thing that differentiates a guy is that he belongs to a cult
“You fell in love with the idea of him. Cause he’s funny? So are millions of people. Cause he likes dank memes like literally everyone in the world?”
“I feel like this entire message needs to be translated for accuracy. ‘We’ll never be able to find what we had (while I was married to someone else). I realized how much I loved you (when my wife cheated on me and I had to leave her). But I have to let you go now because it’s the only thing that will bring you back… unless you wanna come to this party on Sunday. I have a plus one.”
“He’s exactly where he deserves to be. Without a plus one for the party on Sunday.”
-The one time I thought it was a good idea to mess around with a married man, his wife came and harassed me at work
-Thankfully I never had the wife harass me at work, only the other mistress
“Look at judgmental Santa over here.”
-If I don’t do Dry January, I’m definitely drinking every day
-How often do you drink?
-Every day. I thought that was clear
-What do you usually drink at home?
-A glass of champagne. And you?
“If that had happened to me, I would have gone into the Walgreens and told them ‘you guys are going to need extra caution tape.’”
-Is this the food baby?
-Yeah, I feel so uncomfortable
-Do you need anything?
-She’s never been single.
-Well you don’t quit a job without having another one
-Yeah but you miss out on positive alone time between relationships
-You miss out on funemployment