At least once a year, I go on vacation with my girlfriends. Even though we’re generally well-behaved, if we’re being honest, we’re a hot mess on vacation. So now that I’m in Scandinavia with four other girls, I thought I would take the opportunity to do a drunk interview. Because I think the men we date want to know what we’re up to when we go away for 10 days. So in the words of my ridiculous drunk friends, this is what a trashy girls’ vacation is like.
Boss: I’m the only one out of the five of us that has previously been to Copenhagen, but I still defer to Boss when we’re on vacation because she puts a lot more effort into researching and planning our trips than I do.
Small Town Girl: After getting out of her 12-year marriage, this Miami girl has moved to Stockholm for work and has reinvented herself as a “Small Town Girl” (from Edgewater).
Coffee C**t: This stylish coffee addict works hard for her money, and when she’s not driving around in her Mercedes C300, she’s buying herself furs on vacation cause she don’t need no man.
Scrappy: My best friend, who scrapbooks on vacation and is super offended by this sub-par introduction. She made me promise I would drunk interview her on this trip.
So what makes girls like us so trashy when we travel together? Probably the fact that after all five of us have gotten ready in the morning, we can’t even wait to get a table inside for brunch. We’re willing to sit outside in 40 degree weather to get a cocktail as soon as humanly possible.
STG: They’re offering drinks at this time of the day. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But what really catapults us from ladies who brunch to ladies with no chill whatsoever is that we follow up our brunch cocktails with 10 shots at the first bar we see on the Copenhagen waterfront. And then more cocktails.
CC: Can we pace ourselves?
S: I don’t know, we ordered 10 shots. What part of that sounds like were gonna be pacing ourselves?
Even though I was well on my way to drunk, I tried my best to reel in the troops to get their insight on girls’ travel.
GnomeTrotting: So we’re all classy sophisticated 20-somethings. How do you feel traveling as classy ladies?
B: I wouldn’t know.
S: I knew we were never going to be classy on vacation when you and I went to Europe for the first time and we went in and out of cheese shops to get free samples of cheese.
STG: My second personality is the trashier version of myself. Married me was more tame.
GT: You had classier trips with your husband?
STG: Of course. We would fly business to Europe. Go to nice hotels and nice restaurants. It was our time. Don’t get me wrong,.. we would dress like slobs. Well… he did.
S: I just have so much more fun being complete trash. If I woke up a millionaire tomorrow, I don’t think my vacation style would change.
B: You wouldn’t stay in nice places?
S: I would; I just might get kicked out of them. I would go to the liquor store and grab a few bottles to take back to the hotel. I’m not gonna stay a millionaire if I’m ordering room service all night.
GT: Do you prefer to travel with a lover or with your trash bag friends?
B: To be honest, I also only date trash bags so all my vacations are similar in style.
S: I can’t answer this because my lover won’t travel with me. Please quote that so my lover can read this.
B: I don’t think I would be comfortable with someone who is so high class. That’s not my style traveling or even at home.
STG: I think you need both, and when you meet someone people forget that.
CC: Men don’t travel with me. So I can only travel with my trash bag friends. It sounds really nice to travel with men. I just wouldn’t know.
GT: How put together are you on vacation?
CC: Exactly the same as I am in life. Which is 100%.
S: I’m not put together, but I put on make up in the morning so I look like I am.
GT: Small Town Girl, how many designers are on your face right now?
STG: Dior, Chanel, Shiseido, Nars, Urban Decay, Estee Lauder, Lancôme, Bobbi Brown, and Anastasia eyebrows.
B: My level of put together is directly proportional to how many photos might be taken. If I’m alone on vacation, I look like I rolled out of a dumpster. Unless I think I’m gonna take a selfie.
CC: Doesn’t that make you wanna look better? No one knows you so they don’t know what a hot mess you are.
S: I don’t travel alone, cause then I can’t be a hot mess. I’m not going to get drunk or be as trashy as I do with you guys.
B: Oh, I definitely do. I almost had a threesome in Kraków. Don’t quote that.
GT: How do you have sex with someone on vacation when you’re traveling with friends?
B: I don’t. I’m not into that. If I come on vacation alone, I wanna be alone. If I come with friends, I wanna be with friends.
STG: I don’t either. Well… work trips are different. Now I’m in love with that guy. But in general, I don’t wanna wake up without a liver.
CC: I met the love of my life on vacation. But he is married.
GT: Oh yeah. Didn’t someone get eaten out on that cruise?
S: See? You have hooked up on vacation.
B: Oh I forgot about that. I don’t count cruises as vacation.
GT: So how do you manage that logistically?
STG: I made him come to my room. I’m not doing the walk of shame back to my hotel; I’m too old for that.
CC: You can have sex anywhere. You just can hook up in a random hallway.
S: I’m a big fan of public sex. And public urination.
GT: Since you’re the only one that’s been married, STG, question for you: marriage or travel?
STG: Travel. But it wasn’t a bad marriage.
GT: You just wanna steal your dog back from your ex-husband?
STG: Yes! If you love me, you’ll kidnap him for me.
GT: So let’s talk about accommodations. We’re all fairly flexible, but where do you draw the line?
B: Private bathroom. I can stay anywhere as long as I don’t have to share a bathroom with strangers.
S: I don’t wanna sleep on the floor. Everyone needs their own bedding.
GT: Yeah, this isn’t senior prom.
CC: It’s been lovely. My only concern is: I can’t believe I’m not gonna get to masturbate for 10 days.
B: We have a bathroom.
CC: That’s weird.
B: Not as weird as masturbating in the room while we sleep.
GT: How important is capturing the vacation instead of living the vacation?
STG: In the end, it’s about the company. If you like who you’re around and enjoy the moment, it doesn’t matter where you are. The older I get, the less I care about pictures.
B: I vacationed with her a year ago and she made me take 300 pictures of her. So she matured very recently.
CC: It’s very important to capture the vacation because I have a bad memory.
S: I recently decided to start capturing with my journal. I always ended up with piles of all this shit (entrance tickets, flyers, and maps). And I also make other people participate, so we create a shared scrapbook of the trip.
B: I like to take one or two pictures of each thing. Something has to move me where I wanna revisit it. I also don’t take pictures of myself at the vacation cause I know I was there.
CC: I’m older and being confronted with my death sense.
STG: How old are you?
CC: 28. YOLO is totally motivated by your death sense.
STG: When you’re my age, you don’t care about anything. European cities all look the same, honesty.
B: That’s her bougie side. Because the small town girl from Edgewater thinks that every city is beautiful.
I would love to finish this off with some adorable sound bites about how nice it is to be able to unwind with people we care about in a lovely country. But at least 6 cocktails and 3 beers later, it’s really difficult to have any kind of structured interview that doesn’t devolve into conversations about how many of us have jacked a guy off with our feet. (For the record, 2 out 5.)
And I’ve already been sternly warned: “You cannot put that in the blog!”