I may be only six years old, but my human parents have taken me to a lot of places, so I consider myself a seasoned European traveler. And boy, do I have a lot of opinions about the places I’ve traveled to. Forget everything you’ve heard about dog-friendly travel destinations. Here’s the real low-down on the actual best and worst European destinations according to me, a hyper but lovable miniature pinscher.
Bled, Slovenia
7/10
This place was niiiiice. Ok, the big ass lake is a little scary. It looks really calm, but it’s so quiet that you hear every little movement of the water. If you get really close, the water slaps up against the edge of the lake, threatening to come up and wet me. I didn’t love that. To be honest, I wasn’t even 100% sure that it was water for the first couple of days.
But the hikes around town were beautiful. I rolled all over manure on this beautiful hill overlooking the lake and the castle, the highlight of my trip. I don’t know why my moms were so cranky about that – it was outstanding manure.
My favorite restaurant was right across the street from where we were staying. It was Slovenian barbecue. Absolutely bonkers quality. I dragged them over there every chance I got. The pizza wasn’t bad either. I ate good in Slovenia, for sure.
Paris, France
2/10
Parisians are the friendliest humans in Europe. Some ladies just stand in front of their shops giving dogs free bread! I mean, what a welcome party. They were so goddamn excited to see me everywhere I went. So were their dogs. Parisian dogs are kind of slutty frankly. The food is excellent, too. Who doesn’t love a well-cooked steak? And all those little sidewalk bistros have the best steak. It’s a shame my moms didn’t want to eat five times a day.
But outside of that, I really fucking hated Paris. It’s really crowded, and every corner of the city looks the same, so it was impossible to figure out where the hell I was, even after a week. I saw a bunch of parks, but I wasn’t allowed to go into most of them. And the ones I was allowed into, I wasn’t allowed on the grass. Dog-friendly, my ass. That’s total bullshit if you ask me. Whatever, I peed on all their pretty little shops and cafes. What other choice did I have? The Eiffel Tower was surprisingly cool though. All the street food that tourists dump on the floor around there… excellent. The actual tower… meh.
Berlin, Germany
4/10
I’m just gonna say it, I don’t think Berlin is as cool as everyone else says it is. Sure, it has some pretty huge parks that I can run around in. But that’s because Berlin itself is pretty huge. It takes forever to get anywhere, and then you’ve walked for an hour and a half just to get to some ugly wall or some big ass gate. Who cares? How is Berlin going to be so big and so mid? It’s embarrassing, really.
There’s also a lot of broken glass and not enough food on the ground. We don’t have shoes, ya know. What, you can’t get drunk without smashing shit? It’s kind of barbaric when you think about it. At least the people were nice to me – always making sure I had water in restaurants. But I’m fairly certain I don’t want to run into those drunk assholes after dark.
Krk, Croatia
9/10
I didn’t think I’d be a beach kind of guy. To be honest, I hate getting wet almost as much as I hate the vet. But let me tell you, you can really have a good time on a Croatian island like Krk. There’s more to it than just the beach, there’s a bunch of trees and shade. There were a million lizards and birds to chase around. And the sound of the ocean is so relaxing! I can just sleep for hours on the beach after I’ve spent all morning playing fetch close to the water, but not too close that my paws get wet. Gross.
It gets pretty hot but that’s okay because that means we all get to enjoy a post-beach nap. If a beach nap is the best nap, a post-beach nap is the second best. I was so relaxed visiting Krk that I wasn’t even barking at nothing – I was just vibing. Krk also has some of the best pizza I’ve ever had. And Croats are good people. They let you go everywhere, and they make doggie ice cream. I’m usually not allowed to eat ice cream, so that was a treat. Plus, the hotel left me a brand-new ball in the room. That’s the way I deserve and expect to be treated everywhere.
Karlovy Vary, Czech Republic
8/10
I don’t know why we always insist on going so far when we have cool ass places near home like Karlovy Vary. This little town has a ton of beautiful green spaces and some nice empty trails in the surrounding hills. I loved being active there and luxuriating in the hotel. That’s the fanciest place I’ve ever stayed – it’s some big hotel for dogs called the Grandhotel Pupp. You know they just bring meat and fries to your room? Wild. And the door automatically opens when you walk into the building. They really made me feel like the royalty I am.
The only thing I didn’t like was the area around the river. I don’t know what’s going on with that steamy water, but I don’t want to be anywhere near it. There’s also too many people there. And horse-drawn carriages, which freak me out. I don’t trust horses.
Reims, France
6/10
I don’t know if I liked Reims because of Reims itself or because I visited Reims right after Paris, which made Reims look infinitely better by comparison. But the city has nice big parks that are actually dog-friendly. And that French grass is nice and soft – there’s none of those spiky little weeds. I also loved that the tourism office gave me a big ass bag of food. That French dog food was delicious, and I’m automatically endeared to a place that goes out of its way to feed me.
I didn’t love going underground for that little tour about wine. That was kind of a creep-fest. There were dark shadows everywhere. Plus I can’t even drink wine… because, you know… grapes. Come to think of it, that was all we did in Reims. Just go to different places and sit and drink wine. The only other thing to do was go into this big ass church and I wasn’t allowed to do that. Definitely a little boring. But it was peaceful and the burger and fries I tried there were fire so I liked it.
Salzburg, Austria
4/10
You know, I’ve been to Salzburg twice and I barely remember it? It’s kind of a snoozefest, that city. Some of it is very beautiful for sure. I remember some nice gardens that I enjoyed rolling around in. But unless you leave city center, it’s hard to find a nice patch of grass to yourself. The area by the river is nice, but it’s packed full of people. The old town area is even more packed with tourists and busy markets. I can’t even enjoy the scraps that have fallen on the ground because I’m dodging pedestrians and cyclists. And then there’s the horse-drawn carriages! Fuck horses. I hate them.
The only good thing about Salzburg is the veal schnitzel. And those tiny little birds that fly around the pretty flowers. But other than that, I can take it or leave it.
Hallstatt, Austria
7/10
I was only in Hallstatt for a couple of hours. (I think my moms are too broke to book a hotel there.) But that little place is super cool! The lake is nice as hell with a lot of ducks for me to obsess over from the shore. I would never chase them into the water, of course. We also took this little sideways elevator up to the top of the mountain, and it was even cooler up there. There was still snow on the ground. And man, I love to get the zoomies in a wooded snowy area.
That was one of my favorite travel days, except for how car-sick I got driving to Hallstatt. The only other thing I didn’t like about Hallstatt is that this random tourist lady that was part of a huge group kept putting her hands all over me. She’s lucky I was in a good mood, or she would have caught these canines.
That’s really all I gotta say about the best and worst European destinations. This is a definitive list, because my experiences and opinions are the only correct ones.
Until next time,
Spike
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