Explaining to someone in Prague what Miami is like

I’ve been out of Miami and the US long enough that being here feels just a wee bit out of the ordinary. And for me, it’s highlighted some of the idiosyncrasies of both Prague and Miami. Particularly since the Czech Republic is so different from the rest of Europe, and because Miami is so different from the rest of the US. So these polar opposite cities and cultures have a ton of weird dissimilarities and contradictions. This is what it’s like to explain those to someone back in Prague:

1. Is there some sort of celebrity at the airport? No, Miami people just wait for their family members at international arrivals as if they just graduated from college.
2. There wasn’t a terrorist attack either. People just have frantic personalities for no reason.
3. At the grocery store, you can get a regular cart instead of a basket, because our store aisles are as wide as Prague’s streets.
4. Look at all these cereals!
5. Oh that’s milk with no fat. Amazing, right?
6. And this is eggnog. This has all the extra fat they extract from no-fat milk.
7. Yeah we actually do celebrate Christmas. I know it doesn’t look like it, because there are no big trees out in public or any Christmas markets. We just know Christmas is coming when there is no FUCKING PARKING AT ANY MALL ANYWHERE!
8. Also because Santa’s Enchanted Forest is open. I think it’s a place where crackheads go to see Christmas lights. I’m not sure, I’ve never been.
9. I know, everyone looks pretty pissed off. We’re not bad people. We’re just really hateful and have short tempers.
10. Why is that customer yelling at a cashier that she voted for Trump? I’m not sure actually. Can’t really explain that one.
11. You know how in Prague they don’t give you a bag for anything? Here all items are bagged individually. Then you just collect the bags in a drawer at your house.
12. Am I supposed to stop? No, our traffic lights are more like a suggestion.
13. I know it seems like it, but driving in reverse is not actually legal here.
14. Let’s see what garbage is on the radio. That’s Sia. You’ll hear about her in like a decade.
15. It’s 6 pm, and there is still light out!
16. You can’t drink the tap water here. It’s contaminated with human waste and whatever they sprayed to try to kill Zika mosquitoes.
17. No, this is not a third world country. It just looks like it in some places.
18. That guy is just trying to sell fruit from the tree in his backyard. He’s harmless. Those mangoes are probably also contaminated, though.
19. Yeah, I guess it’s a little third world.
20. But we have some nice things! This is a shower curtain. It keeps the water inside the tub so you don’t have to clean your bathroom every time you shower.
21. I know, it’s insane. You should try it. It’s like $3 at IKEA.
22. And this is what a full-sized fridge looks like. It has multiple drawers so you can keep more than one vegetable inside it at a time.
23. And those are what we call eggs. They’re really pale and don’t taste like anything. But they’re the same general shape as real eggs.
24. It’s kind of like what you guys call pizza.
25. Prague service is a little bit standoffish because Czechs are largely disinterested. But in Miami, people are not only disinterested in helping, they’re really devoted to ruining your day with their rudeness.
26. The men here whistle when they think you’re pretty. You can just ignore them. Or run them over with your car.
27. This is rain! What you call rain is morning dew in Miami. Don’t bother with an umbrella; it won’t help.
28. Our pharmacies have more food than Czech grocery stores.
29. Actually, the official language in Miami is still English. People just don’t care for it.
30. You can’t take public transportation here. I mean, you can, but it won’t take you anywhere you want to go. And it’ll probably take you to a fair share of places you should avoid at all costs.
31. An Uber costs like $3.50 in Prague, but in Miami, you pay double that to do Uber Pool.
32. Uber Pool is a horrendous social experiment where you’re forced to withstand a 40-minute car ride with douchebags that are perfect strangers.
33. Yeah, the beer is $8. Not for a 12-pack, that’s for one bottle…
34. No, we don’t have any cool pubs in ancient underground cellars. Miami is a baby, and we keep it that way by replacing anything that’s looking worn with something new and shiny.
35. That’s why you can’t go anywhere without being delayed by construction.
36. No, you can’t go dancing in sneakers. There are dress codes here. You basically can’t go dancing in Miami unless you pour yourself into a skin-tight dress and 6-inch heels.
37. This is what we call central air conditioning. I know it seems unnecessarily wasteful, until you step outside and realize Miami is just a few degrees hotter than Hades.
38. Everyone is just wearing sweaters because it’s December so it’s winter.
39. We don’t have reinforced doors and three-way deadbolts, because we don’t have Russian armies to keep out of our homes.
40. But we do train pitbulls to kill on sight just in case the little hoodlum from the block tries anything.
41. Czechs are atheists, but people in Miami are both devoutly religious and devoutly immoral.
42. We can’t legally carry open alcohol containers.
43. Watch where you step on the beach, though. There are probably broken bottles in the sand.
44. Don’t touch anything that looks like a pile of feathers and bones. That’s santeria. It’ll curse you for life.
45. That’s a motherfucking peacock! Look at how beautiful it is.
46. Everyone here has a bottle of Havana Club at their house that they’ve had for two decades. Oh wait… I guess that one is the same.