-Did you know they are making You into a show??
-I legit read that like “me? But I haven’t done anything special…”
-You truly are a Beyonce
– I just imagine Beyonce is this helpful and offers Jay a lot of clarity.
-I ordered tea to appease the dark lord
-Me or your tea addiction
“None of my PMS is directed at you this month.”
-I think I’m gonna make hot chocolate and toast
-You’re completing your transition into a basic bitch
-How is that basic? That’s.. advanced
“I’d rather live in my car than the Redlands.”
“I’ll never afford a house after all my registration citations.”
-Not that this helps you guys, but I’m 46% fluent in French…. Na zdraví!
-How long do you think I can make that sound?
-You can probably make it forever because you’re the most obnoxious person on the planet
-I run on dreams and hopes
-Well I run on dreams that I force into reality whether they’re a good idea or not
-So you’re like a dream dictator
“Happy anniversary! A year ago, you stopped being a baby momma and became a wife!!”
“Apparently there’s also some super high tide event. So we’ll be getting a ton of flooding. I should just buy a kayak and be done with it.”
-My personal issue is feeling blood leaving my body and then sitting on it
-Like that bus ride
-Exactly like the “Red Bus Ride.” If I hadn’t used up all my anxiety emotions in the 50 hours it took to get to Germany, I would have been a disaster
-Ana would think it’s gross. It’s definitely not her scene to be scooping those insides out
-It might be hard to keep that one hand clean
“I’m in pajamas as well. And I’m going to the liquor store just like this.”
-Do you want me to spend the next week freaking out?
-As opposed to what other mode? What is your other setting?
-The credit cards was a combination of let me borrow xyz and I’ll pay you back with my Uber money. And of course now he won’t pay her back
-Again she gave it to him. The only court that would hear this case is the honorable Judge Judy
-I would think he’s doing something illegal for money. Which would still be exponentially better than having no job at all. If I found out he was dealing crack I would be like 80 percent outraged, but if I found out he was doing nothing, I would throw him out of a moving car on I95
-I could definitely date a drug dealer before a broke liar, true facts
“Ok also. If he had a fake job… it should have come with money. How do you explain going to work and always having $0. Like he’s not working in a Nike shoe factory in the Philippines.”
-What is he doing every morning? Does he pretend to get dressed to go to work? Or is he making up stories about work? Cause I feel like everyone talks about work
-It seems like more work than getting an actual job. Like for that I’ll just work and make money
-There’s endless questions about this and honestly the only person I wanna hear asking them is Judge Judy
“Btw I just met this guy and he is so great! We kissed and he is such an amazing kisser and asked me out for Saturday, and I’m super happy that I’ll be full on period mode, so I will be able to behave like the lady that I’m not!”
-Is that a fancy champagne coozie?
-I bought the fancy bottle for Carlos’ birthday and he kept the outfit for when he’s feeling fancy. Even though we exclusively drink Andre. Sometimes you just need to catfish yourself
-Irella just accidentally went to an on-board AA meeting.
-But why is no one here?
-No one wants to admit to their alcoholism?
-Maybe because a cruise is the wrong place to go if you’re an alcoholic
“My tinder date with ‘Dutch dude from tinder’ went well.”
– Bro someone is doing karaoke to “Me, myself, and I” and I can only think of Ana
-Why does that remind you of Ana?
– Oh because Lauren lost her shit one day because Ana had no idea Beyoncé sang that song. And I’ll never forget that bitching
-I hope none of my bitchings are ever forgotten
“Outraged Lauren is my fave after drunk Lauren. Drunk and outraged is epic. And like a unicorn rarely appears.”
“So file under “Leilani can’t have nice things”: I left my laptop yesterday on the Conquest. It’s currently enjoying a lovely 6 day Caribbean cruise.”
-I got a bunch of Wish presents today. A wrist brace, a hair towel, a knife sharpener, and a pop socket.
-I got some yesterday. Gabe loves to text me “A bunch of your Chinese mail got here.”
-Don’t get crazy!
-Omg I think I’m getting crazy. I wanna buy a Christmas tree.
-What have I done?
-Did you look in your bag?
-Yeah I looked everywhere. I’m gonna look again.
-Ok I’m gonna let you indulge in your insanity.
-I’m watching Nightmare Before Christmas for the second time
-In your life?
-No since yesterday
“Bro are those real leaves? I feel like Seattle looks like it is made of photo props!”
-Have I told you guys about the sweater Mauricio once lent to his sister and she never gave back? And I see her wear it all the time now. I don’t know how to ask for it back. I actually liked it.
-I told Carlos this sweater story and his feedback was “Yeah she tried Irella in public and after that it was like ok it’s mine now.”
“I love when I put my phone down for a while and come back to an absurd conversation like this.”
-My boss is making us watch Star Wars because I have no idea who he is (for Halloween)
-Omg you’ve never seen Star Wars?
-Send us a picture
-You… Did not know… DARTH VADER??
“Irella was somewhere where she had a meal choice and it was duck and salmon. She knows she doesn’t like salmon and she never tried duck. So she chose the salmon…”
-I’m from Miami it’s hot all year.
-Miami? Like that movie.. the Czech name is Coconuts on Snow. With the Jamaican team.
-He’s so cute. I have such a crush on him
-Wait you’re breaking up. Thank God because I wanna murder you
-I have to sleep before I go to the airport
-Where are you going?
-I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet
-Must be nice
-That jet set life. Hashtag blessed
“You guys are gonna think I’m crazy. But I just stole a sweater from Mauricio’s sister which I’m never giving back. As revenge of course.”