Fall funnies 2018

-Gabe is being a white sunblock dad
-Gabe has def been a dad for like the last 15 years

-I’m telling the story about us sneaking 8 oz Bud Lites and getting them taken away at Gramps
-“You think you’re trashy. Hold my beer (the one I didn’t buy here)”

-I’m over here like “bitches with bats” and you’re like “cozy cabins”
-If you didn’t have water streaming down your face 24/7 I would never know you have a heart!

-Idk how I’m alive right now because he fucked me for like 5 hours straight
-But did he lick your butt tho
-That nigga eats ass. He is a dirty little nigga

“I’m not into the whole Mrs. Robinson thing but I will accept it because it’s the entire foundation of what I will call the treat yoself sex.”

“He is also super concerned I’m in your group chat and that I’d be telling you all about his dick. I said I’m not in that goddamn group chat. But I sure as hell am gonna talk about your dick.”

“I was dying thought because if he said my pussy was fire one more time I might have to tape his mouth shut.”

“I also remember that party because it was my cousin’s house. And I think the puta in question was my cousin’s stepdaughter.”

-She had been super jealous because her roommate had already brought back two guys to the apartment
-Black guys. Which is exclusively who she fucks

-It’s all like huge adventure death defying things to do there
-You know there are cities to see. You don’t have to go to the Outback.
-No I don’t want to see the cities, there’s too much Outback. The bugs that live in that Outback are on the same continent as the cities and I can’t handle that

-I dunno I think I can safely make a future bet. I 100% think I will go to Australia and not have creatures threatening my life
-I’ll write that on your tombstone

-I want to go to that hotel that giraffes walk through and I can feed them from the windows
-I can feed the giraffes at Metro Zoo

-Listen bitch. If you sit here and say that snowshoeing was terrible and not fun at all…
-No it was great but I definitely wanted to kill you and then myself

-I fucking hate the Louvre. It’s boring and too big
-Says the bitch wanting to vacation in the Outback
-At least in the Outback I won’t be bored. I’ll be fighting for my life

“I definitely almost went to Southeast Asia with you guys. I say Southeast Asia because I still don’t know which country it is. Which shows you how interested I am in going there.”

-I made her learn how to change a tire. Because this is a life skill everyone needs
-It’s true. I had to learn the hard way by struggling until a kind stranger came and did it for me

-But what if you’re in a rental? It’s a friend’s car? All of you should know how to change a tire!!
-Again, just struggle until someone feels sorry for me
-If it’s a friend’s car they can call their dad

-Well I’m not good at it, I told you. I can do it but not well
-I’d prefer you never do it over doing it badly
-I’ll definitely sign up for never doing it

-Why do you have to be such a Cuban wife?
-I’m the least Cuban person I know
-The least human person?
-Well, that too

-He does the whole daddy thing
-But how do you do that to yourself? Isn’t that something the other person should do for you? Or is it like “papi’s home”

-I have a flat tire. I have to wait here for Carlos to come and fix it
-I’m not even gonna say it.
-I would def rather wait than fix it myself. I’m reading articles in my car with the AC on. It’s kind of annoying but it could be worse – I could be changing the tire.

-You’re way too hot at work
-Honestly it’s the blonde hair. I can’t keep dudes off me. I understand why blondes have more fun but I’m not about that life

“Please don’t drive here with cocaine. I’m not trying to bail you out of jail today. Bro where would you keep that. I would be so afraid that I would def only be able to hide it in my pussy. And then I wouldn’t be able to share it.”

“Damn are you listening to hard trap too. Or already doing coke. You sound hard as fuck right now.”

-I’m watching Titanic to get costume inspiration
-What are you gonna be? The iceberg?

-If it went down to $1600 we would immediately steal it
-Yea of course, although that seems unlikely. At that point I’d be like is this haunted?

-Not for nothing but I have def forgotten important things for me like that once or twice. Like gone to work without a bra. Or not changed my shoes from the Adidas sandals I wear around the house
-Like the night at Mansion. Didn’t you leave in your chancletas?
-Yup. But to be fair I think that was because we were high on ecstasy

-Could be a guilty conscience thing though. Like she was cheating so she convinced herself that she was just looking for something wrong with him
-My mind has never wandered to murder when I’m trying to make myself feel better about something I did wrong

-Caroline is having absinthe
-She’s crazy Ana and she’s your problem now

-I sort of love how my mother loves which is by worrying about people
-That is definitely your love language

-All Asian airlines are pretty good
-Pretty good til they go down
-I didn’t wanna make an inappropriate joke but yea
-Ana this is gonna be a terrible trip if you’re withholding inappropriate jokes already
-Well I’m about to get on a flight. I’ll joke about the plane disappearing when we’ve both landed
-If I’m sitting next to a Chinaman, I will be praying for the open sea

-Maybe we can go to a pharmacy and see if they can give you something for the pain
-A little Percocet scam?

-I dunno how legit this is but I know it’s right up your alley (Woman reads out cheating fiance’s texts instead of vows on wedding day)
-You’re like the third person to show me that
-Could totally see you doing that. Not to me, of course, because I am just not going to give you the satisfaction of cheating on you

-I wanna read my book on this flight but it’s so dark and I don’t wanna be the asshole who turns on a light
-You’re the Chinaman

-I hate aging
-It must suck when you age 1000 days a year

-I didn’t realize they had a street named after you there
-Are you also stalking me because my mom was asking if we were in the hospital

“Why is she still in love with this blue thing?! Lemme tell you something, the second Gabe loses his eyebrows I’m out.”

-I was looking online and you need to do RICE method
-“My searches”

“Ana, my Nikes.”

“Everyone in this country knows me. That tourist hobbling in the street on crutches.”

“They don’t have big band aids, but they def have tiny rats at the buffet.”

“Do you think Gabe will still love you if one day you lose an ankle. You’re really pushing your luck with them.”

-What did the tarantula taste like?
-The legs were nice and crispy. Like pork rinds. The body, like roach
-You’ve had roach before?
-No, but it tastes like how I imagine roach would taste based on smell
-Oh I was gonna say… because you’ve kissed me with that mouth before

-I would prefer you’re sure and feel safe about this
-Idk I feel like I need to start venturing into unsafe places cause I’m out of safe places

-Did you expect him to lie to you or to really think you’re prettier than Mila Kunis just because he loves you
-Isn’t that what you’re supposed to think when you’re in love with someone?
-I don’t think so. Like he’s not blinded