Funnies of summer 2018

-If she could move into my sister’s house, she would do it and forget about me
-Well there are so many kids there. I can see that
-I think she feels like my sister’s house is an amusement park
-It is. But like one in a horror film

-Can you believe that Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle can never wear dark nail polish ever again?!
-I don’t know how I would come to terms with that. Like she’s the princess already. Can’t she just say fuck it and do what she wants

-I want to not make you cry for 100 days
-Ok, but if you fail you have to take me to the Faroe Islands
-Damn. Very expensive
-So are my emotions

-That’s crazy though. I don’t know if I would want anyone else touching me like that
-Meanwhile, I’m over here like “how much for two masseuses at once?”

-I didn’t see a ring
-Wait are you single now?
-No but I would fix that for this Cuban God

-I don’t remember but I think I sent a pic of it
-I was trying to find it but had to scroll through those 10 police wife shirts and was so turned off I gave up

“Glad I just proofread. It probably would have been bad if I’d have told my boss that I wanted all my dicks to be in a row…”

-I’m gonna be livid
-Your second feeling
-What’s the first?
-Uh… crying?

-I’m not missing any lipsticks. Ana has them all
-They live in Prague now

-It’s no surprise you stole his tambourine. He just wanted you to put it in your purse for the night.
-“Arcade Fire cancels remaining Europe dates after fan steals instrument”

-I can’t stand Neymar though
-I don’t know who that is
-The Brazilian that looks like you wanna punch him because he looks super South American
-With the yellow hair? Oh yeah I see him. That was such a good description. I knew immediately

“You can start to get excited when we upgrade our living situation. Because then all bets are off. Gabe will probably knock me up before we even have furniture in our new house.”

“Daniella said it’s too artsy fartsy. That she likes looking at modern art. Not have it forced into her ears.”

“I really hope one day he eats your leftovers. So that you can tell us we need to help you hide a body.”

-I’m trying not to make any sudden movements
-This is like geriatric sex
-Practice for 10 years from now

“We’ll cry together tomorrow when Colombia loses.”

-You still look like a corpse
-A skinny corpse?

-I wanna ask him if he has Argentina for the whole cup
-Yeah I don’t know… It’s just that that would be irresponsible

-My back hurts
-Don’t worry. It fucks out

“I have never seen so many girls waiting for sausage in my life.”

“Did you tell your friends you fell off your walker yesterday?”

-That place only gets good at 2 am
-Gets good?! You know what gets good at 2 am? My bed

-Little viejita
-What are you talking about? All my problems are gone
-Your perfume

“Maybe we can find a tasting over there that’s $20. And I’ll just throw the food away if I don’t like it. Pa la pinga.”

“She 100% doesn’t play golf. She definitely goes there and gets day drunk while her husband fucks the caddy boy.”

-Two Oompa Loompas are crying. I don’t understand. They haven’t even voted
-Maybe they’re crying because they’re hungry

-They also keep talking about how much the golf owners have done for them. But they aren’t here…
-I’m sure they would get a ton of money. They probably ain’t even mad

-I can’t believe this is still happening
-This is my whole life now. I live here now

“15%. Which is about how much patience I have left as well… Becks looked at me. Patience up 25%.”

“Someone farted. I can’t believe this.”

“David Beckham goes to city hall. My least favorite Parks and Rec episode.”

-Becks is biting his nails. He’s hungry too.
-Invite him to get drunk and eat wings with you after
-That would be the only thing that makes this worth it

-I can’t wait to bitch Gabe out
-I would want to murder Angel right now
-I would be at happy hour
-Ana there’s no hours left in the world that are happy. They have taken that from me

-Where will you eat and drink when you’re done
-At the hospital at this rate

“Nicole welcome to the party. It’s hosted in hell. The devil is orange here.”

“You can let Gabe know that I too would like to bitch him out for making you be there which has in turn made watch this all day.”

“Guys Becks is part of my life now. I sat with him for 5 hours. And now he’s the Godfather to my unborn children.”

-We were there for 11 hours
-Wow that’s crazy. I don’t think I’m that passionate about anything. Maybe sushi

-I also don’t care about famous people. He’s just an attractive guy who I don’t know. Just like any other attractive guy on the street
-Idk Lauren and I stalked a hot guy all over Belgium and he was definitely a nobody on the street
-That actually sounds way more fun than sitting in a chair 9 feet behind David Beckham for 11 hours