art basel

How to enjoy Art Basel like a true Miamian

Every December, artists, collectors, and enthusiasts from all over the world descend on Miami to enjoy Art Basel. And local Miamians always make sure to come out and enjoy the Basel events along with them. Art Basel is a great place to see Miami douchebags in their natural habitat: at an event that they have no business attending. Wanna do Art Basel like the local crowd? Here’s how.

  1. Give zero fucks about art.
  2. Get free passes to Scope from your friend who works at the Miami New Times.
  3. Skip the fair because you can’t be bothered to drive to all the way to the beach in Basel traffic.

    art basel
    Fuck that noise.
  4. Try to use the passes to get into the after party at Ora.
  5. Get denied and pretend like your friend must have forgotten to put you on the list.
  6. Tell the bouncer you have another event to go to anyway, even though they don’t care and you don’t.
  7. Let your friends talk you into going to Art Miami the next day.
  8. Wear your most daring outfit so you look avant-grade next to the art. Actually look like the sales bin at TJ Maxx.
  9. Fucking die when you realize a one-day pass costs $50.
  10. Remember that that’s what you paid for parking, and the art fair has to be better than putting your car in a garage.
  11. Get a drink, because you don’t even like art. You’re just here to socialize.
  12. Instagram the art.
  13. Pretend you get it.
  14. Fantasize about how cool it would be to hang it over your couch and tell people you got it at Art Basel.
  15. But shit, it’s $30,000.
  16. Talk about how the art makes you feel. Mostly, you love this!
  17. Instagram it.
  18. Hashtag Miami Art Week.
  19. Tell everyone this reminds you of the last museum you went to: The Museum of Ice basel miami
  20. Tell them how groundbreaking and innovative it was, as though Peter Anton‘s giant food sculptures haven’t been at Context for the past 10 years.
  21. Make small talk with a gallery owner. Tell them that you come to Basel every year, even though they flew halfway around the world to stand here talking to you, and they think you’re a vapid whore.
  22. Take their business card as though the art in their booth doesn’t cost at least 7 times your monthly salary.
  23. Get sick of the art.
  24. Complain about how it’s too packed, even though really, you’re just bored of seeing neon signs everywhere.
  25. Go to Wynwood because the drinks are cheaper there.
  26. Take a selfie in front of Wynwood Walls. Caption it: “Art fucker.”
  27. Hear a rumor that Jay-Z and Beyonce are at Red Dot; make a mental note to go there tomorrow.
  28. Go to the Electric Pickle, because tickets sold out for Chromeo and 2 Chainz.
  29. Remember that this place sucks.
  30. Spend an hour and a half in traffic on the Uber home.
  31. Pass on Red Dot the next day.
  32. Tell everyone at work that you spent all weekend attending Art Basel. When they ask if the convention center was packed, reply “What convention center? I went to Art Basel.”


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