Ides of March Funnies

-This is her first Caja China.
-What? You were born in Cuba!
-There’s no food in Cuba!

-How funny would it be if I requested “Marry You” by Bruno Mars and I fake proposed to you.
-You have no ring. I won’t say yes.

-Pussy ping pong!
-Do you wanna just do it? I’m kinda curious…
-Are we really gonna do this again?

“Alexa, play All I Want For Christmas… By Mariah Carey. Don’t fuck around.”

“It’s raining in DC. The nail person just said that it’s because God is crying.”

“Yeah you’re a Miami fuckboy. The fact that you’re a puta is your most Miami quality.”

“Omg did I tell you the guy I work with takes Uber pool specifically to meet people? I told him he’s the reason I don’t take Uber pool.”

“What a disaster you look like. It’s legit exactly what I pictured you skiing to be. Pretty much a baby animal learning to walk.”

“Mexican fiesta for mine and Lindsey’s birthday. Mark your calendar! Sorry Ana. But you’re in Europe. Skiing. So it’s hard to feel bad for you.”

-I almost blame this song for that night. It just put me in a mood. I remember I was listening to it when I was driving to Gabe’s house.

-So Donna Summer is the reason why my car is gone.

“I think if people knew the entire story detail for detail they would understand why I’m not upset about my car.”

“I don’t get this rice debacle. I think the problem is you have never read instructions.”

“Guys I’m getting really wasted at the airport right now. I’m basically drinking a glass of tequila.”

“Caroline is probably going to crop all of you out and frame just her and Ana.”

“I don’t think anyone here is going to call you gross for that. Maybe another audience. But not us trashbags.”

-He gave us gifts as a thank you. Guess what he gave us…. Mani pedi gift cards
-This is getting to like fetish level

-So you decided to go to Cuba finally?
-A while ago
-I’m super out of the loop
-Maybe if you poked your head out of your fuck dungeon for 5 minutes!

“So is this just for sex or is she the newest love of your life?”

“Bro it’s so crazy that every time George W Bush is in the news now I’m always feeling like ‘You’re so right, George. What a smart man you are.’ Like how fucking far we have come. I can’t even.”

-But why is she so she classy? What makes her classy? Most importantly why does it matter?
-Like they might want to fuck her. But they need to make sure she’s not a ho

“It’s legit illegal to have Wifi at home. And there in Holguin, the government provides Wifi at the local parks so they’re all super lit.”

-Are you guys interested in baby singing?

-What song is that?
-A new princess from Disney. She’s Mexican, I think? She’s the Hispanic princess
-Teach her some shit we know. Like Beyonce

“I feel like this giraffe has been on baby watch since it got fucked.”

-Can’t trust those Hialeah mechanics
-And Colombian is worse
-He’s gonna put cocaine in your gas tank

-We only sort of had sex.
-What happened?
-I don’t know… guilt
-Ugh married men
-We’re both pieces of shit

-We should confess
-I don’t think I have enough time for that

-This picture is like the biggest fuck you to a lot of people
-Post it
-No, I’ll save it for a day when I’m feeling particularly petty
-Petty wop

“I want you to contour the fuck out of my face. Like a skeleton.”

-If I ate something too heavy, I would feel like a fat round brick
-And I will contour that brick until it’s a chiseled marble

“I love that we did that in Paris. It means that you’re so bougie, you don’t even do touristy stuff. You do regular stuff; you get your nails done!”

“That’s my house! That’s my house!”

“I wasn’t arguing with her! I just didn’t want to go to sleep yet. I called her so I could stay up, not so she could tell me I’m a lightweight.. ok, I was arguing.”

-Blue tones are..
-What? Thinning?! You paint me blue right now!

“I didn’t bring trap outfits by the way. I packed at 3 am today.”

“I want a boyfriend for two things: vacations, cause they’re cheaper. And sex.”

“If I was still in Miami and I still had my 3 fuckboys, I think I would be able to manage them better.”

“Dick free 2017!”

“The presidential candidate from France is attractive but he’s dating a hideous old woman. Ready for this? Cause it’s not pretty…”
(waiter scoffs in agreement)

“Look at this dessert! We destroyed it! That’s it… action plan cancelled! If I don’t have my fuckboys, no one will be with me. I’m disgusting. I’m lucky to be a side piece cause I’m a piece of shit.”

-I like to be with someone who knows who I am
-Oh he will know exactly who I am, but not for the first 6 months. Bait and switch!

“This is like a rap song. Going up on a Tuesday. Looking like shit on a Sunday.”

-It looked liked a nub when you bite it down to the nail bed.
-That’s disgusting. That’s how his nails were.
-At least his nails would never cut your insides

-This is my decision in my new year
-Daniella treats her birthday as New Years
-That’s awesome! And it’s cheap to travel in April.
-It’s March!

“I had been trying to cut him off but then La La Land happened.”

-What does she do?
-I don’t know. Something with her fingers.
-I meant for work!

-I wanna be able to say I got hoes in different area codes
-But you do.
-No, I have feelings

-I’m a mix of Charlotte and Samantha
-The Charlotte side of you is a lie

“‘Forgot your luggage? Worries guaranteed.’ Yeah no shit.”

-I slept in a hoodie there
-You slept in a dress here

-Have you ever gotten blackout drunk and then realized you had sex?
-Yea but only with a boyfriend. That’s never happened to me with a stranger. That would freak me out.
-Oh you get used to it

-Drop a pin!
-Oh my God, send it to me
-You guys! I miss one of my fuck boys. And all you guys are worried about is saving your Paris fuck spot

(whispering) “Open your mouth.”

“He wanted to take mushrooms and come on another universe. And I was like ‘choke me.’”

“We started kissing and he pulled my hair a little. So I thought, ‘I’m gonna scare him off’ and I said ‘Pull it harder.’ And that… was a mistake.”

-I just trashed my fuckboys in this beautiful cemetery
-I wish I had someone to trash. People probably wanna trash me

“Lauren and Daniella tied at 7. Ana at 12. MC at 18. Winning!”

-Someone just commented, “Is that a cemetery?” It could be just a beautiful street. Those could be little houses.
-In Auschwitz!

-I’m looking it up how MC Googles things
-“I have floor tickets for Drake in Paris. How long will it take me to get to the arena?”

“Yes, Ana is a fuckboy. But we gotta support her.”

“I always say my age. But I make them guess first. So they know how good they have it with me.”

“Doesn’t it make you feel better to know that at least someone from Hialeah can read?”

“This is the opposite of a fuckboy rehabilitation group.”

“This was our short lived conversation… and in the meantime I was already planning our wedding speech on how we reconnected after 20+ years.”

“Ugh they all behave the same. It’s like they follow the same handbook, available in 68 languages, just like Harry Potter.”

-Now that we’ve gotten all the emotions out of the way, can we talk about the size of the baby balls?
-Bro. The reason for the C section was definitely how big those balls were.