-We need a twist…. I know you can only do one thing at a time
-That could be the twist. That you’re a micromanager of my thoughts
“Open relationships are like communism. It only works in theory.”
“I think about your tiny forehead a lot.”
-Happy birthday! Welcome to the old hags’ club
-Happy birthday! This club sucks.
-Maybe she’s in love with her
-I was gonna say that too but when the lesbian says it, “Oh you think everyone is a lesbian.”
-You do though… You’re a specific type of lesbian. Not the one that thinks everyone is gay, but that everyone is in love with you
-They are though
“Penny! (cat approaches) Uh oh. Guys, Penny is gonna drop me!”
-Czech is really tough. Even I struggle with it sometimes
-Oh where are you from?
-No, I’m Czech
-Guys, Lauren hasn’t said anything since she went to look at the eclipse
-Maybe she can’t see her phone anymore
-She’s never ended a relationship alone without having someone lined up
-Damn she’s got that dick on standby
-Can we talk about gonorrhea in front of her?
-She doesn’t know what that is
“I always think about how lucky I am Snapchat doesn’t show you how many times someone has watched your story.”
“We got water at the 7/11 at my job because no one thought of that apparently. Oh and Alan bought what I can only assume is every pop tart in Miami.”
“This guy at work has shown me his boyfriend’s dick twice already. Because he’s so scared of it.”
“I closed the store at 3. Mostly because it’s going to be underwater. I left at 1 to do my nails and my eyebrows.”
“I agree with Daniella. She doesn’t know when she will be able to get her eyebrows done again. Girl gotta keep it on track. #bait&switch Hurricane edition.”
“Do you think this will turn out to be Star Wars and there’s a flaw in the Death Star so once Irma hits us she dies?”
“I’ve given up on any more hurricane prep and instead I smoked some weed and am drinking a cocktail and watching season 1 of Game of Thrones.”
-Awake Lauren is super erratic. I was half dead on the subway 10 minutes ago. Now I wanna fight someone.
-Is Gabe also crazy? I can’t even imagine you two together if that’s the case. Like two meth heads on vacation.
“Yeah Angel doesn’t want to buy a house in Cutler Bay anymore. That’s where we’ve been looking. I told him to start looking in Canada.”
-It’s like we can’t trust our parents to take care of themselves anymore
-These people who’ve raised us are all lunatics
-This makes me think of your eclipse article. Are you gonna write about this?
-No, I have no FOMO over this. I’m glad I’m not there. The only bad thing is that I’m gonna have to hear people talking about how they survived Irma for the next 25 years
“Every once in a while I have a moment where I’m like ‘Oh shit! I’m moving to Portugal!’ but then I forget about it because there’s a hurricane.”
-I texted my sisters 20 minutes ago and they haven’t responded.
-I talked to them at 5:30. Their power went out last night but the phones are charged and they have candles and tequila. Sounds okay.
-What! 5:30 our time? I texted at 5:47. What the fuck man
-How close are you to Vizcaya because that’s flooded.
-You guys can come to my new pool whenever you want. There’s great clothes and vinyl music.
-Will I look like a douchebag if I wear this?
-Probably not more than you usually do
“I wonder how many people were killed on this spot… What? You watch period pieces and people are always dying and getting raped. Getting raped with a view…”
-You guys can have sex there.
-Not if she’s still on her 9th day of her 15 day period.
-No I left it all on the bus
-Just know I’m gonna be a Nazi tomorrow morning
-That word… -You’re in Germany. You can’t say that here.
“Whenever I see a blond blue-eyed German, I think about how their grandparents were probably Nazis.”
(Giving Heads Up clues)
-Rhymes with the n word
-Pooh’s best friend
-Who loves orange soda?
-Kel loves orange soda!
“The pretzel boy is cute. If you imagine him in proper clothes and remove the pretzels.”
-Is it insensitive to caption this Hitler’s hangout? It’s technically historically accurate
-Yeah that’s true. This is where the party started
“If you live twice as fast who cares if you die a little earlier.”
“It’s either a dead animal or a hairy mojon.”
-Didn’t the new season of Arrested Development come out 5 years ago?
-The Netflix season? No way!
-That was like last summer
-Maybe in Prague it came out last summer