-I mean in general, you don’t do that. Like asking someone how old they’re turning on their birthday. It’s not socially acceptable.
-Neither is yelling about someone’s nonexistent pregnancy. You work with tremendo savages
-They were sent by God from heaven just for me. Even though I rejected them at first
-It’s like a biblical story
-I can’t think of anyone I rather spend this time with
-Well yea who else are you gonna celebrate our anniversary with
-I’m so excited.
-Me too. This is my dream… this has been my dream since like 6 months ago
“I’m like if I had two kids (existing nightmare) and someone asked me to watch 3 more I would probably move out and not leave a forwarding address. Like hey nice knowing you.”
-I’ve gotten over my fear of the loft bed. It’s really nice up here actually
-Of course it is. It’s like sleeping in an adventure
-We use vodka for everything. You have a hangover, drink vodka. You sprain your ankle, you put vodka on it
-…I think you should go to the doctor
-The review says the interior is not recommended for animal rights campaigners
-But the question is do they have elk
-They definitely have stuffed elk
-I have to shave
-Why? It’s just us. There might be other people there, but I have good data to suggest otherwise
-I was so horny and she was so good that I finished in like two minutes. Five stars
-Was it good because of her attitude or because of her skills?
-Her skills. That was the best blow job I’ve ever had. She should teach that at a university
-How is it different traveling with me instead of your other guy friends?
-Well, we fart a lot less in the car
“Here we go. The Czech hate parade has arrived.”
“Tap the gnome.. no! I mean on the phone.”
“Even without glasses, I can see there are some shiny objects that need my attention.”
“If you work on your Czech language, we can accept you into our Czech hate parade.”
-If you have a little imagination, it looks like a river of chocolate
-I have yet another association
“No one goes to sleep until I’ve written these postcards!”
-We’ll be there in about an hour
-Ok, then we’ll have dinner. Our first dinner. We’re having two dinners tonight.
“He must have a big pipi or must eat pussy like his last meal on death row porque cono to get beat up on the regular is some serious commitment.”
“Lauren it’s not about what you want. That’s your new pet. Sent to you from the universe.”
-What should I tell him?
-That you quit
“Idris Elba posted a spoiler on IG like an hour ago and I am very disappointed in him. I will continue not speaking to him as I have the past 30 years.”
-This is the first time I’ve ever gone to the movies alone
-How is it?
-Pretty good so far because Gabe would def never let me get Cheetos popcorn
-This is my first time having funnel cake
-You haven’t lived
-I know. Where has this been? It’s so delicious
-Pretty much just at the fair
“So we came to the super bougie champagne afternoon tea. And the only way I can describe the bathroom is I feel like I’m about to be raped by a French king.”
-You’re the seller. You can ask them for whatever
-Irella asking the buyers: “What time do you wake up in the morning? Are you sleeping in while your wife is up doing chores?”
“Well I definitely don’t participate in any crowded holidays. I always try to stay home on Valentine’s Day, on Mother’s and Father’s Day. Like do something at home versus trying to fuck with the outside world. And then I go outside on weird days like Christmas when I can eat my sushi in peace. Because only me and Ana know Kampai is open.”
-You’re not bringing the cat right? I will die of allergies
-Of course not. Why would I take a cat to happy hour?
-The other thing that was super weird is that he didn’t ask me any questions about my sexual history. He was never like “have you been having unprotected sex?” He didn’t even ask if I’m sexually active
-Maybe they just assume based on age. Like this 30 year old is definitely getting fucked. Look at her stripping down for us
-The old girl ain’t what she used to be
-The old girl used to throw her back out in high school
“That man’s waiting for a hallelujah he is not going to get!”
“If you don’t get into a horse drawn carriage and tour the city, did you even get married?”
-You know Ana is about to have 15 sandwich bags of soup in her freezer right? That she will overfill and then they will bust open.
-I can only do so much Lauren
-Leilani you have to be so detailed that you think it’s absurd to be telling someone this detail
-I have like $2700 and no student loans
-I just ignore student loans, I don’t consider that debt. I consider debt anything I intend to pay
“You were always concerned about being an obnoxious mom. I never saw the obnoxious cop wife coming.”
“They need to have their space be what they like. I could probably live in a dumpster if they put in an AC.”