Spring-Summer 2017 Laughies

-What do you want to learn?
-I don’t know. Something easy and safe.
-Both of them are relatively unsafe but skiing is easier to learn

-I’m so annoying
-You’re so self-aware

-He’ll be all like “I need to see you”
-Sounds about right
-And I’ll be all like “New phone who dis?” He’ll be like “We’re gonna get a divorce” and I’ll be all like “Show me the receipts Diane.”

“I’m sorry I distracted you from trying to figure out if you’re a puta or not.”

“I just want you to respond to him with a video of this guy making you come 4 times.”

“I want my man to show his love for me by being obsessed with me. Is that bad? How else will I make him kidnap my other dog?”

-Guess who’s doing their second drive of shame?
-What, not wearing heels? Otherwise nothing to be ashamed of

-Guys I need all your prayers to support me getting fucked tonight
-I’m lighting a vela

-I don’t know, this guy is super charismatic
-So was Hitler
-Lauren always taking it up to 11. You’re like the definition of #nochill

-I’m ditching you and Ana ASAP
-You’d have to leave all your friends. Irella thinks what you do in a disaster situation is climb up a tree with your newborn baby. Daniella… I don’t think fashion or interior design will help you in this situation. Unless it’s zombies who are distracted by flashy things. She won’t even show up to the apocalypse on time.

-I’m not riding a burro for sure. Not even gonna pet a llama or alpaca
-I’m scared I might have to if I’m close to death on Rainbow Mountain
-Fuck it. I’m petting everything. If it can’t kill me, I’m in

-Season it as you usually season other stuff. Because if you add too much it will be too salty.
-Babe I don’t season anything. You need to start from zero. I understand the general concept but not how to apply it

-The prospect of Adelitas again is life changing.
-Ugh whatever. I’m going to throw you in front of the 22.

“No one scams you like drunk you scams you.”

-If the car gets stuck in snow, we could die because the exhaust pipe gets covered and the fumes fill up the car.
-Jeez. You’ve thought of everything. But knowing that, we could check the exhaust to make sure it’s not covered. Unless you would let us die to prove your point.

-Are you feeling okay?
-Yeah I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up
-You’re so extra

-I want to be a bartender.
-Are we moving on from Bogdan?

-I would never set someone’s house on fire
-Not your style?
-Well, I don’t know… maybe it is. But no one’s given me a good enough reason yet

-They appointed a special prosecutor to the Russian investigation!
-Why don’t you just marry the Russian investigation?

“If he ends up being a fuckboy, we will have to kill him and study his brain. Even if we go to jail, we will go down after getting our Nobel, bitches!”

“Damn you are hardcore with your read receipts. The CIA doesn’t know what they’re missing.”

-What are you up to?
-Just reading the news
-About the dictatorship we’ve become?

-“I just fucked two bitches before I saw you.” Who finds that hot?
-I’m kinda into it, only cause I know neither of them will be as good as me

“Fuck third world countries. I’m not going back to a third world country for like 5 years when
I forget I can shit my pants in third world countries.”

-How do I get to the apartment?
-Make a left at the big street and then keep going straight until you see the dog with the sweater

-It’s amazing. Even these people call you Rachel, even though Raquel is a Hispanic name.
-Maybe if I changed it to Pisac, they would get it right
-They would just call you Pisarachel

“I’m concerned that you’re slacking on the fuckboy program.. cause it looks like we need a progress seminar.”

“I wanna watch funny videos. Ohh dog makes baby goat friend…. This isn’t funny. I’m moved!!”

-I’m gonna celebrate the hell out of the 4th cause it may be the last one that stands for something
-Um.. that was last year

“I’m not telling you to buy them for him. I want you to buy them for me. Wear them to a 3 pm Happy Hour with me. I’ll look like a lesbian that paid for the best hooker.”

“$50 event parking. The funny thing is I don’t know if that rate is higher or discounted.”

-If you spend $160 on something you put trash into, I will fucking punch you
-Just get it. Nothing like a classy trash can.