Things that happen when you go to Happy Hour by yourself in Miami on a Wednesday

A few months ago, I started seeing ridiculous ads everywhere featuring the phrase “It’s So Miami!” I hated it then and I hate it now, but honestly, Miami is #somiami that the jokes about it basically write themselves. I never realized just how apt this marketing tagline was until I ventured out to a bar by myself on a Wednesday night.

Even though I’ve lived in Miami on and off almost my entire life, I rarely go anywhere without other people, so I seldom had reason to really pay attention to what was going on around me, until now. So here are the things that happen when you spend your Wednesday evening at a bar observing Miami and becoming part of it.

1. No one is available to join you because: a) they’re broke and saving up their week’s pay for another Happy Hour on Friday b) they have to go to the gym c) they’re too tired from work or d) they’re actually working Wednesday night. Already that’s the most tragically Miami thing that’s ever happened, but it actually gets better.
2. Your Uber driver takes forever to get to the bar, and Happy Hour is about to end. You have 5 minutes to get a $5 cocktail so you order two of them.
3. You realize that every single person around you is either a) a bartender currently on shift b) their friend who bartends somewhere else or c) a guy who owns another bar downtown.
4. The only other people “not in the scene” are two dudes from England that are hammered because they’ve been drinking since noon.
5. They spend the entire time being chatty and nice to everyone, not realizing that the bartenders are having a laugh at their expense.
6. It becomes blatantly apparent that the slightly more sober British guy is trying to go home with someone tonight even though he’s married.
7. You realize the bar has outlets, so you plug in your laptop and decide you’re going to close this bitch out tomorrow morning.
8. You order another cocktail because fuck it, YOLO and these drinks are delicious.
9. They play Nirvana’s Unplugged album which is both awesome and super depressing. It’s the most profoundly appropriate soundtrack to the evening.
10. The owner of the bar offers you a shot of Jim Beam because you’re the only person sitting there other than all his bartenders.
11. The British guy’s shitfaced friend goes outside to throw up and is never heard from again.
12. The bartender takes 30 selfies with her friend who is waiting for her shift to end so they can go out.
13. You order another cocktail just to try something different.
14. British guy tells you that he owns a bar in London, so you’re actually the only person there that does not work in the service industry.
15. You spend the next two hours furiously typing what you consider to be the best thing you’ve ever written, but you’re wasted so it’s probably crap.
16. The couple that sits down next to you are in the silent treatment phase of an argument. They begrudgingly stare at their phones and away from each other for the duration of their meal.
17. You start leaving your bag and laptop at the bar while you go to the bathroom, because you don’t give a fuck about literally anything anymore.
18. You order fish tacos because that shot of Jim Beam was probably a mistake.
19. The music starts getting too loud for you to hear your own thoughts.
20. The volume was an effective lure and the bar starts getting busy. You no longer feel safe leaving your stuff unattended. What is wrong with all these people? It’s 11:30 pm on a Wednesday. Don’t you people work?
21. When you ask for the check, the cute bartender thanks you with a huge smile and calls you by your name, which she read off your credit card as she handed it back to you. It makes you think of a guy in Berlin who once told you that people in the US are only friendly because they want a big tip.
22. You give her one anyway.
23. You call an Uber and then regret not ordering another drink while you wait for it to arrive.
24. Your driver tells you the story of a woman who fingered herself in his car “right where you’re sitting.” It would be disgusting and horrifying if it wasn’t kind of hilarious.
25. He’s definitely flirting and trying to elicit some weird Taxicab Confession story from you, but at least he takes you safely where you need to go.
26. When you get home, you get a message from a guy that you had matched with on some dating app four months ago. He saw that you were in the vicinity and he wants to have a drink.
27. He’s an artist who likes jazz and you’re curious to find out how he’ll manage to disappoint you. Besides, you haven’t taken your bra off yet, so you consider it.
28. But then you realize he’s 15 minutes away in the area you just took an Uber from, so you tell him, “Boy, bye.”
29. He tells you to let him know the next time you’re in the area so you lie and say you will, but you delete the app instead.
30. You successfully fight the urge to order Domino’s cheesy bread. #smallvictories
31. The next morning, you wake up with a throbbing headache. You dig into the pocket of your jeans to assess the damage from the night before. You hate yourself for spending money you don’t have on drinks you didn’t need.

And that is so Miami.