My thoughts while I missed the 2017 Solar Eclipse

Today the moon eclipsed the sun and it was visible from coast to coast, and in a rare instance in 2017, I wished I was in the United States. I was in Prague instead, having finished dinner, getting ready to sit down and relax with a regular ass sun setting outside my window.

Here were my thoughts throughout the whole event:

1. This will probably be wack as hell.
2. Both my girlfriend and my best friend want to see this thing and neither of them got glasses.
3. I’m not even in the country, and even I know you need special glasses.
4. “No, fool! Sunglasses won’t work! Bitch, you’re about to lose your eyesight.”
5. I can’t believe I’m gonna have to deal with these two blind bitches for the rest of my life.
6. So many people traveled to see this and I just left the country.
7. I just wish someone had warned me about this.
8. These NASA livestreams really needed more powerful servers.
9. I’m pleasantly surprised at how few shitty photos I’ve seen on Instagram.
10. It’s happening. Total eclipse.
11. This really isn’t that impressive.
12. My friends are getting chills and I’m contemplating going to get a beer downstairs.
13. Are the high def telescopic live streams that different from the opening credits of Heroes?
14. I mean, really.
15. That show sucked.
16. I think 360 degree videos are way more amazing than this eclipse.
17. So this just keeps happening every few minutes in different parts of the country? There’s really like 15 eclipses today.
18. The Path of Totality sounds ominous as fuck.
19. I hope that a beam of light shoots down at the end of it and destroys the White House, like the aliens in Independence Day.
20. Finally, a video that isn’t an extremely boring telescope shot.
21. Wow, these people are way too fucking excited.
22. But the atmosphere looks amazing. It’s like twilight if twilight lasted for 2 minutes and the sun was blotted out by the moon.
23. Someone give me a Pulitzer for that description.
24. These people definitely sound like they just ate an entire bag of mushrooms though.
25. This girl is crying!
26. I’m so fucking jealous.
27. I haven’t had this much FOMO since my friends did a group Alice in Wonderland costume in college and I missed it.
28. My favorite thing about this phenomenon is that it’s short-lived by nature, but thanks to technology, people can spend all fucking day watching shitty live streams of it.
29. The Oscars don’t even run this long.
30. This is probably what the sun will look like all the time when it inevitably dies.
31. Couples are getting married during the solar eclipse? People ruin everything.
32. I just read a Tweet about animals not knowing to look away that ruined my entire day.
33. My friend says her eyes are bothering her, and she had special glasses.
34. Honestly all my friends are gonna go blind today. I don’t know what to do about this.
35. I wish I was going blind in some field in Hopkinsville, Kentucky.
36. It’s twilight in Prague too cause it’s almost 9 pm. It’s probably almost the same thing.
37. Probably not though…
38. It’s so beautiful that this has brought the world together for something that isn’t 30 people dying at once.
39. Ugh they’re talking to these couples who got married. I wanna throw up.
40. I feel like I need a cookie to console my FOMO.
41. Seriously though, will this leave a bunch of animals blind?
42. Oh ok, scientists say that animals never try to look up at the sun so today wouldn’t be any different.
43. Only humans are stupid enough to risk blindness for this.
44. How long can people watch this, seriously?
45. Text: “I feel so tiny. The universe is amazing.”
46. I hate you.
47. The next eclipse is on April 4, 2024. Making a mental note for future travel purposes.
48. I’m not missing this twice in a lifetime!
49. Of course our idiot president looked at the sun. Fuck all of us, honestly.

    

50. The eclipse has made its way off the east coast. Well… that’s the end of that chapter.
51. These people on CNN also sound like they chased some ecstasy with half a bottle of tequila.
52. Maybe I should have been an astronaut.
53. Yes, yes the universe is lovely and awe-inspiring. What a beautiful perspective this cosmic event has provided us.
54. Now we can all return to our regularly scheduled terrorism and neo-Nazi rallies.
55. At least for one beautiful afternoon, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt.
56. Too bad I missed it!!