“Penny doesn’t understand how warm and cozy we would be if she would just let me force my cuddles onto her.”
“I’m going to pump gas now in my car contemplating going to a place that sounds like a dinosaur. The pins better be fucking cute.”
-Yeah like this woman at Publix brought it up, I don’t know why. Who cares about an expired license?
-Well, the police…
“He’s super selfish as a normal human being so on his birthday, forget it.”
“It just sounds like were going to be raped by dinosaurs there. I just prefer Italy over dinosaur gang rape.”
“I can’t believe I spent $62. I don’t know what tastes worse, the guilt or the fucking lobster mac and cheese.”
-You’re too good to sing the yeah yeah yeahs?
-Obviously… I’m Beyonce
“Anyway… the office manager, girl, Colombia, super pretty, fake everything.”
-I’m sad I missed this (Malmo) just so I could have a strong opinion about it
-Honestly I’m more sad that I wasn’t more scared of deportation for myself and got to skip it
“African islands only. This is my new hashtag slash life goal.”
“I wanna do a vacation shark tank. You guys pitch shit to me and we’ll see who I invest in.”
-Iceland has to be October or November to see the lights. So if he doesn’t go for that, it gets pushed back to 2019
-And we go to the Seychelles
-Ana’s antojos are like legendary. Once you get an idea in your head, food or travel, all bets are off until you get it
-Where is this though?
-Off the coast of Africa. Have you not been paying attention! #africanislandsonly
“You know what’ll wake you up? A glass of orange juice and cocaine.”
“Some guy in a super loud Toyota Corolla just sped by me and cut me off. So I tailgated him a while. And he has a Paul walker quote on his car.”
-What’s annoying as fuck is that they got rid of the entire drink menu to promote this blonde espresso. You can’t see a menu. And I like to try different things. And I had no menu to browse.
-Are you going to try the blonde?
-No I panicked and ordered a mocha latte. I was so angry at this menu situation I didn’t wanna order anything on it. How dare you try to force me. I asked if they still had PSL and she went into a whole lecture about how it’s a seasonal item. I know that Samantha but if you guys still had a fucking menu I wouldn’t have had to ask
-I’ve heard that if someone tries to kill you, you should tell them everything about yourself to make yourself more human
-I would tell them all about Penny and her precious antics. And they would kill me for not shutting up about a cat.
-Happy hour times
-I want crazy happy hour times! One crazy night and you ensnared me and crazy Ana was never to be seen again
“I feel like I’ve been YOLOing for a few years now and maybe need to start paying for more things.”
“I told him I was going to Cuba and he said, ‘You can stay with my family but they’re party people.’ And I was like ‘Oh I don’t care if they go out a lot.’ And he goes, ‘No the communist party.’”
-He got sick and he blamed it on the Chinese food. But I ate it and nothing happened. The only thing that he ate that I didn’t was my ass
-He definitely got ass poisoning
“Either you’re a liar or a hoe. I don’t know what’s worse. Maybe a lying hoe.”
-I remember why I loved the Killers shows so much now. I would let Brandon Flowers defile my asshole REPEATEDLY
-Not about him at all. I find him kind of gay. Like maybe he’ll defile your asshole… because he doesn’t like pussy
“If there was heating and insulation in the buildings here, you bet your ass we’d have a longer discussion about who was moving where.”
-I love how disinterested you are.
-Industrial laundry bro. How much could I possibly care?
“I love how you’re like I don’t have the strength to argue, but in your last dying breath you’re like ‘I don’t understand why everything has to be an argument.’”
-Please look on Pinterest and follow a recipe. Because we thought Brussels sprouts was easy and you somehow don’t know what roasting something means and put them in a bowl
-Don’t cook the zucchini boats in a bowl please
“Omg I bought new mouthwash and didn’t realize it was mouthwash concentrate and I feel like I need to see a doctor. My mouth is on fire. Like I could bring winter to Miami right now with my breath.”
-I love how well rounded you are. It’s one of my favorite things about you.
-You have a heart of gold but you also know the direct number to Satan.
-Omg he’s still at Space. I’m so horrified.
-I’m jealous of people who can live this lifestyle and not want to die. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed.
-No. I’m resisting this command of all the commands that you give me. I’m taking a stand.
-I feel like you’re taking advantage of me because I’m sick.
-I feel like since December we just haven’t fully recuperated
-Those could be secondary infections caused by the flu though. I’m a doctor now.
-I see that. Even though you don’t know what medicine does.
“I would never drive in another country again. But I will let almost anyone else do it. Although definitely not you Ana.”
“Carlos and I are talking about selling drugs as a profession. And I’m like I can barely sleep at night already thinking about my unanswered emails. I can’t even imagine if I thought I might get arrested.”
-“Sam Nunberg just said live on CNN he is refusing to give emails to Mueller involving people he “despises” including “Hope Hicks, who was having an affair with Corey [Lewandowski]” I’m dying. I need to get a playlist ready of these ridiculous interviews
-The integrity of America is nowhere to be found
“Bro a guy is trying to sell me beads from the fucking ocean. Like he’s in the water yelling at everyone eating on the deck of this restaurant. I’m pretty sure what happened is they stopped people from soliciting in the restaurant. And he’s like ok. Escalation game status. You can keep me from your deck but not this ocean.”
-It’s hard to tell until you get there.
-Yeah it’s all about the sun and wind and rain. But I’m fucking ready for all of it. Bring it on Macedonia. I got the coats, fight me.
-That’s the last thing I wanna do right now.
-Get into an accident?
-On this bus. To “Vogue.”
-I feel like this is pizza nachos
-It’s the oregano… and the tomato sauce
-This is what Sofia was missing. A nice square
-Sofia was missing sidewalks that were attached to the ground. I think a square would be asking too much
“Belfast car bomb. A little insensitive, sounds delicious.”
“What is it? A snack? A pizza snack!”